So I've Got This Great New Diet

In just one week, I've shed five pounds! That's right, five pounds and without even going to the gym. How did I do it you ask? Follow these simple steps:


Day One: Eat shellfish, preferably at some place with a TGIFridays level of culinary expertise and freshness. In my case it was buffalo oysters at the Noisy Oyster. Follow this up with several hours of heavy drinking (including shots with names like "Birthday Cake") and pizza at 2am.


Day Two: Eat a real stick-to-your-ribs kind of breakfast to soak up that booze. How about biscuits and sausage gravy with a side of grits.


Day Three: Today you will start to feel the effects of this wonder diet. Clear your calendar of all important meetings, because you will be visiting the ladies room about every 30 min or so at work.


Day Four: Now's when the diet really gets rolling. Take the day off from work-- this is when you will feel the burn, but it's all worth it! Sure you will be running to the bathroom to expel all remaining food and liquids from your body, but you will have lost all interest in food (and ability to eat). Which means no added calories!


Day Five: Snack cautiously on matzoh crackers and English muffins. You won't want to push it. But check out that profile-- the pounds are just melting away!


Day Six: Sip on some seltzer and start bragging to your friends. Boy do you look great!


Day Seven: Time to celebrate! The horrible stomach pains have subsided and you are five pounds slimmer. Go out and have a drink with the girls. It won't take much to get hammered since you haven't been eating anything. Think of all the money you are going to save--BONUS!